the real battle.

the worst part about being sick, my kryptonite is slowing down. its the thing i need to do the most and the hardest to do. i get about 100 emails a day, i run two businesses, there are people asking things of me all day long. this is the chaos i live in and thrive on. i feel stressed bc i have made so many changes to how i run my businesses, how i eat, how i think , what i do, less drinking and even hired an assistant to take over alot. but its hard to slow things. i cant shut off the emails. the requests. i have gotten more and more since this all started.

the last thing ive wanted is to come forward with all this stuff. health stuff. i wanted to do it all in private, but it wasnt an option. its stressful for me to have to ask for help and see it. it also puts you on a pedestal where everyone is watching and judging. if i have a beer at an event, someone there is going to be saying "wtf, i just donated 50-. why is she drinking". with everything i do now, i feel some level of responsibilty and stress. if i have 3 beers vs one, people will see it. if i am working at 5am at workshop, people will know when the lights are on. i did get a bit off track the last 2 weeks bc i was working nonstop, stressed and well, trying to get through it all. its a reality- i needed to raise 20-30k in a few weeks, change everything i do, get my businesses running better and making money, train an assistant and get healing. but that doesnt all take 2 weeks.

i feel so much stress and dissapointment sometimes bc i dont always make the right choice. i have battled with a love of fun, going out and drinking and when you live in sf, they are hard things to get away from. ive had overwhelmingly social events the last few weeks and my cancer has become fun, fundrasing events that have given everyone a good time, left some of us exhausted and now they are done. thank goodness. i need a break and more importantly, the people who love me and have been helping do.

there are not enough hours in the day to get things done. ever. or to thank everyone and get to a point where i can shit off my brain. its hard to do. i want to create fun for people. i want to have good businesses that can survive and get by. i wanna combat every persons feedback and give them what they want. but its hard to make everyone happy. thank every person or make all the right decisions.

i am not perfect but i am trying to be better. if ive offended anyone in the last weeks by having beers at my events. or just not making the right decisions, i am very sorry. its still a battle. and im still human. i fuck up. i have had 2 huge events in a week with tons of fun, wonderful creative people around- its hard to want to be home in bed, relaxing with a green drink and do nothing. its almost impossible. cancer isnt the battle. learning to say no, take time off and walk away from a world that is blowing up with good stuff, people and opportunities around me is.

i say all this partially bc its my blog, and im venting. but more so just bc i feel like i am going a million miles an hour and cant slow down nor have i been able to, but i still feel sad. like im letting people down, tiring out my friends or letting people down who are watching all my moves. i am happy that today i go into the hospital bc i need it. i go back to eating green, no drinking, trying to rest and saying alot of no's to people. spending time withe the quality people who will be there for me and are ok to not go out and come hang out and watch movies or go to a beach or out of town with me to relax.

i made some drastic changes but i just feel down with myself that its not enough and i cant shut off my brain. the need to create, help people, throw parties and make people happy is so intense in my head. i cannot shut that shit off. i brainstorm classes while in the hospital. while they are wheeling me in im trying to think of a vendor that i can bring in that will make indie mart better. or im obsessing about what i can do to make the one negative yelp reviewer happy. its an obsession. and its why indie mart and workshop are successful bc i put everything into it and dont know how to relax and just sit. i have to smoke copious amounts of weed to do so. and in the end, it feels wrong because people stop paying attention eventuntually. its a bad economy, ive been financially destroyed and come back up. in a shitty economy i have businesses surviving. and that are remaining viable, current or cool. that is so much work. i cant lose that and it takes an inhuman level of work-a-holic ness and dedication to your business, the public and determination to achieve that. i feel like im slacking when im not moving 100 miles an hour.

that being said, i have to slow down and rest. i did and then indie mart happened, which once i saw invites hit 1000 i had to bust into a gear i havent had to before. all this support and help has been amazing but it is propelling my businesses and events into levels that i cant keep up with as one person. so its a double edged sword. i cant ask people to stop or to not come. i need them to come.

i dont have any magic answers outside of my taking it a day at a time. its overwhelming and i dont even feel sick bc there is so much good stuff coming my way. but i have to set it all aside and get better. bc most importantly i want to be ok and i dont want to lose anyone i love because they get fried or mad or decide i cant stop working. i think the answer for now is:

• saying no to opportunities and things that come my way
• staying home outside of a few select things, as much as possible through october
  
• turning my email and phone off alot more.
• learning to sit still and be bored.
• right back to mellow time, juicing, making things and no drinking like i was until about 2 weeks ago

its like the ultimate test that when you most need rest, the most opportunities come your way. that you get more attention and eyes on you. i needed it, i needed the support and events and parties- or i would be dead. but now i need to be quiet, chill out and focus so i can be ok. its been an awesome distraction and all the love and fun has been epic. makes me feel like im not even sick. but i am. and as i sit here in a hospital, feeling totally depressed and down bc i miss my friends, the fun and my awesome life, i realize this is my life too. so here we go for another treatment, some extreme re-focusing and getting back to me and not everyone else or the need to keep giving everyone what they need.

not sure how but just getting back on the path ive been on, despite a two week marathon interuption, and keep trying, learning and doing it. if im quiet and off the map, thats why:) hopefully people will come hang here and do nothing with me. i need more of that. it was an epic fun few weeks though.