hi there!

this is my diary of cancer. not in a sad, depressing way. in a kick ass interesting way that lets peeps know how i am, what i'm going though and how i make it better, more fun and lot less serious. yeah, it sucks. sure i'll be sick. but in the end life is short and rather than hold hand and sing prayers, talk about how i'm an inspiration or some heavy stuff...lets have fun. talk about the cool shit i make to get me through this, the crapball movies i watch (because netflix is only so big) and fun stories about the "c" word and what it really is like. i share this all because a community of peeps fundraised so i can still be here. so this how i let them all know how i'm doin', when i'm not high on painkillers that is....just kiddin.

(for the old people and the painfully un-hip, please look up g-thang by snoop dog and dr.dre)

Monday, December 19, 2011

end of year. end of cancer. end of this blog. for good reason.

its been a weird year. i am pretty surprised i made it till the end of the year before any epic breakdowns/ exhaustion kicked in. this was most def the most trying, exhausting and hardest working year all year. i have no clue where i get the energy sometimes, i think during surgeries- doctors actually gave me a cyborg energy chip and its all a govt test to see how hard a person can work. it kicks in without me trying.

from having to fight cancer AGAIN. putting out there for the world to know about. which was really hard- I do NOT like to ask for help. ever. i got mad pride. add in workshop having its busiest year.losing organs and let me tell you none of you ever see the slew of side effects and changes that sometimes make me insecure and feel like a robo kelly with weird parts missing and new ones put in. starting corporate events, treasure island music festival and camp diy, setting the goal of becoming a writer and doing it (5th story for the bold italic ran today), setting the goal of focusing on art and doing a show (5 shows in one year and one up at minibar now), planning a book, designing more spaces (gangs of san francisco store & the bold italic to be completed by jan), indie mart being bigger than ever & having great music & adding food, pop up events at workshop, being on NPR and there are about a dozen more things I am missing. all very good and quite a list, im ever surprised i pulled all the shit off. for the bad- toss in a heartbreak and being creatively ripped off/ betrayed a half dozen or so times. its been a hectic nonstop year.

i worked my ass off this year. and next year, i want to slow down more. i always say that but i realized after listening to the interview on npr and thinking about what its like to almost die and have to look death in the face, stare it down and say nah, im not ready- its hard to slow down. its hard not to take every moment, opportunity, gig, relationship and every chance to say stupid things that my embarass me because that chance may not be here tomorrow. i put myself out there to a point that i often regret it or get self concious, but i just need to live my life open, honest and with whatever bizarre, brassy and maybe obnoxious spirit i have. i just want to be genuine and live an awesome life doing what i want and surrounding myself with people, projects and energy that is real, good and loves you back.

this holiday and especially the last few weeks almost broke me. its been so hectic and i dont have quality time with my friends. i dont have time for me. and lets not even talk about my apartment and cats (im pretty sure im sitting on a pizza box right now) i listened to the npr thing. cool to hear bc pbs. npr is it- the tops. smart people. smart things and i def felt like an honor. for the first time in a long time- i stepped outside myself and found myself being really proud and looking onto this weird version of me i dont see much. as well as all the accomplishments in a short time. i also sobbed out of control bc i literally have had such a rough cancer battle that ive bottled up, kept quiet and just kept going every time i wanted to fall apart. i just had too. and its weird to talk about let alone hear on the freaking radio. to be called an inspiration just makes me uncomfortable. i live in my own life and im just a goofy lady who works hard, makes stuff, loves up on everyone and did what i had to. that doesnt make me different or any more interesting than anyone else. ive just had a different experience and put it out there.

i guess being weirdly reflective, i am proud. and its weird to be where i am. really weird. its also weird to look back and realize what ive accomplished. ive been a lil bummed out lately, bc though there are a million people around, it gets lonley. people start treating ya weird and shit, friends start backing off bc im so busy with work and at the end of the day i have accomplishments, sure but do i have more than that? sometimes its hard to see more. its so much work and so little "me" time and you start to feel like a character, like when people compliment you or praise what you do that its someone else they are talking about or this other version of yourself. at the end of the day i go home alone with my ideas and silly sketch books and am a bit of a loner. i like this life most of the time, i choose it and embrace it, not whinning here. but in the end, i guess were all insecure and now that i finally have time off, first time since september really...i want to stop putting so much pressure on myself to keep topping myself. when you have so many people around watching you, its hard not to put pressure on yourself to make them all proud or keep doing good things. its like an endless race with myself. every event has to be better or a new concept. every art show needs to be more improved. every story needs to be funnier and written better. i feel way too lucky to be able to do the things i do to ever take all the opportunities for granted, but i need way more of a life outside of work i guess. especially now that im okay and dont feel like im in a sprint to do as much cool shit as i can. its amazing what having a timeline on your days will make you get done (everything except date, clean your room & laundry that is).

with that, i just cannot thank everyone enough for supporting me this year, whether emotionally, with volunteering, helping me raise money so i could have surgeries i needed to stay alive, with everything. i would not be here without it. i just wouldnt. i especially thank dk, who would always be there at the times i wouldnt let everyone know i was sick, sad or in the tough spots. he was always there to get me out of the dark spots and still is. and end of the year now, when im finally through all this, i think i can be honest and say it was way worse than i ever admitted. the health stuff. the stress. the pace. dealing with having your story out there. always having to have cancer attached to my name over my abilities or have people feel sorry for me. talk shit if they see me having beers. whatever it was, it was in front of more eyes. more judgement. the emotional struggle and having to be ok with not being here anymore possibly and then getting a reprive is unexplicable. i was prepared to go and leave some cool baby empire of DIY in my lil city for everyone to enjoy. but i get to be here longer and though its been a tough battle in every way- well here i am for some more. that doesnt suck:) we're humans and we overthink ourselves to death. im pretty good at not doing it in alot of realms, having confidence and going for whatever the fuck i want. but sometimes you gotta reflect and overthink a bit. expecially when you hear your story 3rd person. im not sure whats next for me, for next year but i am so looking forward to some quality people and time off to figure out next steps, next goals and put this all this health crap behind me, start fresh and kick new ass in new realms. i am fortunate, thankful and appreciative for everything i have and can see that after being in a low place.

2012- i plan your fuck your shit up and do more cool stuff. hopefully more time off. more dates. more good than bad. and i want to start over without cancer, new leaf, not having to talk about it anymore. not having it own my ass anymore. so this will be my last post. happily bc im ok. and bc its time to just put that c-thang on the backburner. so ill be starting a diy and design blog, a creative agency and enjoying more time creating.

big bear hugs and
thankfully yours,

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

black guys vs white guys.

black guy in my hood rolls up and says damn girl, you look good. you gotta man? white dude in my hood stares at me wonders if im too much lady for him. i look at him smile, hes uncomfty with his chubby crush but hes into it. then goes into a mental overthinking battle with his coffee. in the mean time, im half way down the block and chance missed.

black men should train the world how to be bold enough to talk to women. dig women with some junk up in there. and well, i may usually say no bc the guys who like me are crazy as balls, buuuuttt atleast they ask and i get to walk off feeling cute. like someone wants to hit it:)

i miss this about not being in philly. my black guy compliment scale went from a 10 to a 1.8. and the asian guys out here, well definetly not as much gusto and crazy balls to tell ask you out before they even let you respond to their bad pick up line. i gotta appreciate it a bit.

Monday, October 31, 2011

dream dates.

somedays i think its funny how different my ideal dating, love, date situation is from middle america and well, most of my friends. i watched some sandra bullock movie that i think was supposed to be romantic. but then i get turned on watching bob villa, so hey, maybe i just dont get it. guess not.

other women:

the date.

dream date.

where the magic happens.

the pantydropper.

bringing the romance, yo.


the date. ( insert sigh here.)

dream date.

where the magic happens.

the pantydropper.

bringing the romance, yo.

Friday, October 28, 2011

diy is not the new black.

it s been funny to be someone that is always labeled with the three little letter diy in her name. i am not embarrassed. i am not one of those people who relates it to being called a hispter when you dont want to admit youre a hipster. though diy has become a selling term like eco, extreme, green or whatever over used marketing terms of the decade are out there. diy kits are in urban outfitters now. everyone is trying to be diy. whatever that means. i dont really give a shit what people think of it- in the end its not some far out term or something that has negative connotations like "hipster". its just a phrase- do it yourself, which well, is pretty fucking basic.

but what is interesting to me and maybe its just san francisco's need to be obscure. to be the first one doing something. or the only one, but diy isnt one group. one crowd. you cant pin skinny jeans and flannels to diy. or pink haired riot girls who wear harijuku skirts they made. or moms in hand knit bad santa sweaters. on your dad in his carpentry overall bibs. or me in my tore up def leppard shirt, doorknocker hoops and a work apron. its all diy.

as for the term queen of diy. maven. high priestess. whatever ive been dubbed in press, hey, its all a compliment because in the end all it means is i get to be queen of making stuff. there is nothing snobby, elitist, hipster or anything about it that can tie me to one specific crowd, style or interests. thankfully. and in the end, i freaking LIVE to make things, help other people make things and am addicted to it. case in point, im on vacation and so far i have redone oliver's new bars bathrooms and spent 2 days prepping for it (props, wood, etc), ive redone workshop a bit, made terrariums, helped my bff plan her house out and am designing two more commercial spaces. i def have a problem sitting still. i can take time off, watch some tv and take a ferry ride but thats just so damn boring to me.

anyway, point of all this blabbing being, i am still mystified by diy and how its used for so many things, groups, etc. its a descriptor for alot of things. and not a bad one. but what is weird about diy culture and why i think people dig what i do- is that it is separatist. people stick to their own cliques within it. there are the punk and rock kids who make their own fliers and follow in the footsteps of epic rockers before them by making their own posters, recording their own music. then there are the crafty mom types who have craft meet ups. there are the carpenters and designers, who sometimes dont mingle at all. i can go on and on. but its weird.

mind you, i have never been a fan of over girly crafting. i think i am trying to build this world of diy around me that i cant seem to find. one that fits just about everyone, isnt too girly (after all, its boring without some dudes), incorporates the rock n roll and all these genres into one culture. where i can hang out with my dudes who make shit outta wood in the day, then hang with my friends band and make em posters and merch, then teach a sewing class that hopefully has atleast one dude in there, then make some terrariums and then drink some beer that hopefully i made while my foodie friends cook up some tasty eats. i should be able to mix it all up alot easier. ive had to build my own little custom world of what i want and damn, its taken me for-fucking-ever. ive had to learn like everything. open workshop and be some crazy nutball that tries to bring all these groups together. im just over the too cool for school thing. the lack of mixing up crowds of folks who dig making stuff. the fear of sharing some creative juices. no one invented any of this, we all take cues and learn from one another. but sometimes i feel like people are trying really hard to guard it all or stay within their crowd. boring. snooze. take a risk people.

i started workshop and live my life by very similar mantras and beliefs. they re simple. be real, put yourself out there even if if its gets you hurt or walked on sometimes, make stuff, have fun, listen to lots of rock & roll and be positive. diy should be a culture that just has no drama or attitude or none of the cliquey bullshit. even with super girly crafty ladies, i still rock that side sometimes and offer classes in that realm, because its part of the puzzle.

im ranting. i know. i just have some days where i feel like no one gets it. where its all these separate segmented moments of different friends, different crowds or having to explain why im so forward or a care bear hugging it out with everyone. maybe im a weirdo. maybe im smart. i dnt know man. i just know what i like and i wish more people were as dedicated to the same ideas & could geek out on it all more rather than worrying so much about being cool or being guarded.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

know whats awesome?

not having to talk about cancer anymore. maybe i should change the name of the blog. still doing ok. all things clear with the doctors. shit, at this point, i have dodged death about 2 times, had more surgeries that id like to count and have been financially destroyed and come back up. i hate politics bc the system sucks and isnt for small business owners with cancer bills. duh. i hate relationships half be i cant get one and half bc i just havent found anyone crazy enough to keep up. people come and go. loyalty comes and goes sadly. and we all get sick or have shit go wrong. but in the end, i am 100% convinced if youre happy and go out of your way to retrain yourself how to think- you can beat it all man. all of it.

somedays i feel like a tiny bit of ghandi slipped into my burito that i just have little drama, sadness and seem to always just do ok. maybe its the whole nutsac of cancer that makes you look death in the face and just stop sweating the lil stuff. maybe im just crazy. but its been about 2 years now, that i just am happy like 95% of the time. i feel good. i feel energized bc i get to be here. bring on the 20 hr days, i can take em. if you just shut off that voice in your head that makes you question everything more than you should- i think you just start going for it. and that can fix just about anything or any situation.

it feels super freaking good to be okay. and to be here, smiling and kick more and more ass daily. i look forward to continuing to slay and destroy every weird thing i want to do. (except knitting & dating, apparently i suck at those despite the minimal lazy effort)

thanks for all the love and support guys. i dont take it for granted. though im usually too busy to thank everyone or even dig out of my 5000 emails, i do appreciate every person who has helped me, patted me on the back or cheered me on. this is what community is and how much it can lift a person in a shitty situation. <3

Saturday, September 10, 2011

treatment done. woohoo.

i could not be more stoked. treatment is officially over. a few weeks ago, i was told the chemo was eating my stomach lining. not awesome. so i had to discontinue half way through. i took a few weeks to do some psuedo cleansing, relax and work on gearing up for going totally holisitc. next, insert replacement surgery- to clean up any tumors/cysts in there and also to repair my belly. i am about a week after surgery and feeling pretty good. they did it all laproscopically. which means with robot arms and tiny cuts all over my stomach and mini video cameras and monitors. crazy, right. so its done. i feel pretty good, outside of feeling sore and like i was placed on some kind of medieval stretcher and cant bend a few ways.

ive spent about a week in bed, with yesterday being my first night out, but in a wheelchair. which sucks big time. i ditched it and used it as a walker after 11pm. so embarassing. people look at you like your half dead, i should have attached balloons to it. as well, my new enemy is big purses. trying to get through a crowd of boig purses is just irritating. so is the usual 3 excuse me's you have to say before they actually realize thier massive ass purse is in your face path.

anyway. so now i rest up, with about 3 weeks of taking it easy ahead of me. another river trip. no picking anything heavy up. although, i still cant bend below my knees anyway. ive given up all drugs and the million medications and have gone totally holistic with about 30 horse pills of supplements i take now. as well as weird tinctures, juices, foods and some acupuncture. oh and dont forget the the mushrooms teas. its been an education.

in the end, im done, now i just live healthy and right and with all the new knowledge ive accrued the last 3 months. and eating more kale, power foods and on and on. i feel good though and im happy after 3 months of treatments, a month of melting down and all the fundraisers and learning how to live better- well, here i am. not only did we fundraise enough to cover all the treatments and surgery, but ive been making more money at work finally and can start taking a bite out my past medical debt which destroyed my credit. and i can afford to shop at rainbow:)

thanks to everyone for all the support, love and cheer. im glad its mostly over, though i will always have to take supplements, eat well and continue with my healthy changes. its alot of work and time. but hey, hopefully i can kick this for good. <3

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

stupid comments and more dates please.

i thought my post a few weeks ago about dumb questions guys ask me was tops, but more so lately i have been entertained by people reactions to cancer. from the prayer cards that though sweet, make you feel like youre already dying to the minister in your hood coming down for hellos, i love all this, but it makes me feel like im already dead. let me repeat i am not going anywhere. sure its serious but dont act weird, itll be okay. half the issue with cancer is your own dealing with people's weird responses and wanting to just scream out from the mountains, "IT'S COOL. I WILL BE OK. AND IF NOT, SO BE IT. LETS ALL ACT NORMAL AND QUIT GIVING ME THE SAD LOOK!"

i hate being known for cancer. its weird. but it is what it is and i feel as though if anything, its shedding some light on all the good stuff & sacrifices ive made. its nice to be getting something back. but im not feeling serious, im feeling smart ass. so its time to make some fucking cancer jokes.

comments that make me wanna shake people senseless:

1. when talking about my fundraiser, someone recently actually said, "hhhmmm. i would go but there is a really kick ass band playing that night. they are rarely in town, so i think im gonna go. " wow. really? you can also go straight to the acquaintance area of this board game. collect 200 ass kicks and proceed out of friendtown, take the candyland ladder down to party friend town, walk right by it and climb the donkey kong ladder down to aquaintenceville.

2. when about to make out with a guy he stopped, to ask if it hurt. that was cute and super sensitive so i cant be mad, but kind of a buzzkill when youre making out and someone stops to bring up the thing you most want to not think about. all i was thinking about was marvin gaye, smooches and what was next. dammit.

3. while at the hospital for chemo, the guys next to me laughed and said, well, atleast its not aids. wow. even assholes get cancer i guess.

i continue to have funny moments with guys, mainly bc no one knows how to react to cancer. you cant catch it. i wont die while were in bed. things are cool! even down to some of my ladies flirting with dudes i like. i kinda wanna point out, hey, im not going anywhere, so you can chill out on the whole being second in the deli line thing. i feel like im in showgirls and youre going to throw beads under me on the stairs before the big number. damn.

it has been tricky dating though. beyond. coupled with the fact that im not a size 6 and im a bit out there with my life. not helping. i am also surrounded by amazing, attractive, awesome guys. like all the time. its like a curse sometimes. sure i just went to lunch with a rad guy, then came back and had coffee with another and then had one come watch movies with me. but are any of them taking me on dates and snuggin' up at night. no. grrr. how can we change this. i realize i am like the Dahlia lama of dude friends here but a date every now and then would be good. you know im too busy to be clingy and im too wild to settle down. ideal.

oh well, for now i let it go and continue to field questions like, "does your lady business hum from the chemo" or panicking when guys see i wear a weave...relax its just bc i like massive ass hair. i am NOT bald. everyday is some weird adventure and more entertaining than the last. when im in here, at the hospital, i cant wait to get the hell out so i can be around all the rad, kooky fun people here. its a fun life, every day im in here is a day im not living life out there. like prison but with bad gowns and no one trading me for cigarettes.