AN OPEN LETTER TO JASON SEGEL. WE SHOULD HANG OUT.

dear jason,

you don't know me. i am the girl watching you from the alamo square park bushes. just kidding. i am actually a few blocks away safely within my restraining order distance. you don't know me, but i am the female equivalent of all your characters. kinda doofy, a little hopeless with dating, can be charming and funny, but usually lose out the hotter competition/ asshole for most of the movie and also eat cereal from a giant bowl while making up bad songs. i am the underdog. definitely not a dog though. at least like a 6 or higher so on looks. and that's on a picky sf slacker scale. i will say I'm an 11 in an utter disregard for reality and confidence boosting myself to the thought that a big time hollywood dude would see this.

hollywood must get boring, what- with all those pretty ladies with hard boobs and paparazzi. or girls who want to date you bc you re famous. (i want to date you solely based off your smart ass attitude and ass, famous stuff just being a bonus). remember when you could date a girl who had fat on her ass (and other spots), who ate more than salad and pain killers and didnt talk to her agent on half the date? ok, maybe that's harsh. lets rewind because i am not a bitter hater on la ladies. redo: remember when you used to date everyday girls and go to dive bars, have cheeseburgers and laugh alot without any threat of paparazzi or your agent telling you who to date. (your agent will not want you to date me- we're safe) not having to wonder if your co-star will dump you after the movie? no worries here. missing the feel of cellulite? i got 'chou boo!

you should walk 1 block north and 4 blocks west and visit workshop. i'm a rad lady. i'm real. i curse, drink beers and win at pinball. i take care of myself, no chance at gold-digging on this end. at the worst, i will take you out for a most excellent sf night. dont worry about paparazzi, my tattoos are tough enough to scare off strangers who ask for autographs. i can also play tough girl super well, though i will giggle nonstop after i do it. if you walk over here after filming, i'll take you to a wonderland of everyday girl- nothing too fancy- down home- awesomeness that you cant get in la. dive bars, rock shows, the best underground spots, killer food and even some pinball. sf is fun as balls. maybe you don't think balls are fun. none the less- i swear i will be a really fun date that can end in drunken archery in the park, its safe- i swear, very dull arrows. if you were going to go out with someone in sf, i should sooo be it. i can get references. i am sure some folks will agree. or we can make it a charity date, like I'm Jerry's kids and you've made my ovarian cancer dreams come true. come on? yeah, i went there. I'm easier than a telethon and more fun than you ordering a quiet night of room service at the hotel or ordering some boring hookers. I'm def more fun than one of those $1- charity cards they make you buy at the grocery checkout. and then you have fun stories about the weird girl in sf to tell cameron diaz. come on!

i watch your movies and think, why cant i meet a guy like this? mind you i am not crazy and understand these are characters but you cant fake funny or cute. freaks and geeks was in my dvd today when i heard a little bird (ok a twitter bird) tell me you're here and 5 blocks away! WTF! how can the characters that meld into my dream man be 5 blocks away. so i haev to ask. humiliation or not. who gives a shit.

So here is my plea, all joking aside. You're awesome. I'm awesome. I do cool stuff, own my own businesses, have achieved all my goals- no deadbeat here, make things, own power tools, my business's premise is to drink beer and make stuff, I'm funny, I can roll good joints- I just learned, I have bows and arrows we can shoot at beer cans after dinner (trust me, its an epic date activity), I know all the best places to hang out that aren't stuck up and are just fun as fuck, I have big boobs and I wont get mad if I catch you looking at them, we can go to a giants game, get a tattoo, play pinball, have some garlic fries, dance to some oldies, get a late night taco, Ill put on a cute dress, be real and wont kiss your ass or treat you like you're famous, Ill make you a smoothie in the morning- I know you LA types like to stay fit. When I'm in this Sundays paper, you'll miss me a little and want to call me but wont want to admit you had that much fun. You will forever make chubby tattooed clumsy girls have faith that we can win the good guy, much like your movies and unlike reality. Just like your movies- only different. Even if its for one night and you don't want to kiss me bc I have corn in my teeth. It would be like Molly Ringwald giving Anthony Michael Hall her panties in 16 Candles, only more fun...but you can just drop me off your tighty whiteys and we can call it even if ya don't like the merchandise. That works too, as long as you're cool with me waving them like a giants parade victory flag.

Just give me a one night for a fun hangout and you wont regret it. Come to Workshop, which PS- is kinda cool, 1798 McAllister Street at Baker.

I'm so not joking. feel free to internet stalk me, make sure im decent. i will make an ass of myself to all of sf with this so you will say yes. so, say yes.

xo
kelly malone
kelly@workshopsf.org
415.902.1104

you plus me= wicked fucking awesome.