hi there!

this is my diary of cancer. not in a sad, depressing way. in a kick ass interesting way that lets peeps know how i am, what i'm going though and how i make it better, more fun and lot less serious. yeah, it sucks. sure i'll be sick. but in the end life is short and rather than hold hand and sing prayers, talk about how i'm an inspiration or some heavy stuff...lets have fun. talk about the cool shit i make to get me through this, the crapball movies i watch (because netflix is only so big) and fun stories about the "c" word and what it really is like. i share this all because a community of peeps fundraised so i can still be here. so this how i let them all know how i'm doin', when i'm not high on painkillers that is....just kiddin.

(for the old people and the painfully un-hip, please look up g-thang by snoop dog and dr.dre)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

glowing, humming lady business.

the funniest part by far about having a cancer that has invaded your lady business and people knowing you are in treatment is the thoughts that must go through their heads. the stuff no one wants to ask but thinks about. like i somehow have a nuclear reactor in my crotch or pee electric hypercolor genera tee shirt color green. based of the very few brave questions/comments people make when they are 1/ drunk 2/ insensitive or 3/ just know me well enough to be a smart ass punk....i am amazed how people's mind wander on the subject. it's just not the same as liver cancer or teasing your friend with brain cancer. yes, private parts are funny but come on. so let me make it simple for the other 95% of people that are too embarrassed to ask the ACTUAL questions people have asked me when in one of the above states.

number one.
Q: does you lady biz glow like anything radioactive on tv does?
A: actually, when the lights go out, i actually don't need a reading light because much like when the homer simpson drops the radioactive rod into his shirt in the opening credits of the simpsons, my business does glow from radiation. UMMM, NO.

number two.
Q: does it make a hum like times square at night?
A: kneel down and listen. there are actually times square hookers and a naked cowboy living in the area that used to be inhabited by my ovaries. UMMM, ALSO NO.

number 3.
Q: do you have a weave because of chemo?
A: no, its because i like really fucking big hair. like a whitesnake video. (no sarcasm here what so ever)

number 4.
Q: how many organs have you had out? (by a date recently)
A: enough that you cant get me pregnant, so lets do this.

number 5.
Q: should i wear a condom or something? (asked after that same date led to making out)
A: um, yes, because you can catch cancer. really, did you just ask me that? let me call you a cab. ( you cannot ACTUALLY catch cancer from sex or a toilet seat)

number 6.
Q: does it burn when you pee?
A: i have cancer not chlamydia.

number 7.
Q: since people lose hair in chemo, does that mean you lost your drapes or never need to wax?
A: tmi. cancer does mean an instant Brazilian.

any other intriguing questions, please check web md or go back in time and pay attention in health class. and i will no longer try to date during cancer....or maybe i should because the questions are so funny.

xoxo
kelly
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