as much as i try to keep it light and fun, turn all this into a positive. there are some really shitty days. i realize i am human and i can't be happy every day. today is one.
the changes i have to make suck. being healthier was needed anyway. drinking less. giving up meat. these things i can deal with. having to stay in and home most of the next 4 months, already bumming me out. having to sit still. the pressure of EVERYONE knowing your sick- the eyes on you, accountability and how on display that is. also bumming me out.
the changes are hard. and i'm trying. but if i fuck up, all i can do is dust myself off and not do it again. but i am bummed out because more so than ever, i have to think about everything i do. everything i put in my body. every action i make. for my health and also for the responsibility that comes along with having to ask people for help to get through this. i don't want to let people down. especially my friends. and that's alot of pressure.
people are going to judge. and people are going to have advice. want to tell me what to do. how to beat this and etc. and i am so fortunate to have people around. supporting me. but in the end, its a very lonley disease. the support, people and love makes it so much easier. it really does. but there are a ton of moments that other people can't see, fix, help with or understand. and that is hard. i don't like to feel sorry for myself, whine or stew in all this. but it's inevitable that there will be emo moments and days, like this where the silver lining is not so silver and i feel like i'm in for a bumpy path and some tuff, lonley spots that no one else can understand.
do i wish i wasn't sick. hell yes. do i wish i didn't have to ask for help and air my sick laundry to the world. yes. do i wish i could just hang out with my friend sin the sun and not be a stress or an emotional roller coaster for them. most definitely. cancer sucks. big time. do i wish people didnt whisper, give me sad faces or act totally weird around me because i'm sick. yes. would i prefer to do this all in privacy. very much so. but i've made it through some pretty dark places with this disease. barely. and i'm still here. so as uncomfortable as it is right now, i'll try my best to let it go and just focus on the positive, let the support carry me and try to always make the best decisions.
Hey there,
ReplyDeletecame upon you via one of your students who also has a blog... A very wise someone recently told me that suffering in itself is a lonely business. That even when you pour your heart out to friends it is still you alone with you... i hope that makes sense. I am sure your friends love you and cherish your friendship. Nobody can be positive all the time so keep up the positive thoughts but also give yourself a break. You sound like a fab teacher too!!
Dude I have your back...i love some cheesy bright yellow food, but I have learned to love leafy green shit, because it makes me look and feel glam. All in moderation. I still sneak nachos on road trips.
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