WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION.

apparently i'm going to a different kind of summer camp. i feel a little like one of jerry's kids. but hey, atleast i get a much needed vacation. here are the basics: i had ovarian cancer. took out some tumors. didnt help. took out an ovary. didnt help for long. more grew back. took out all my lady junk. ok for a bit. then it came back in my bladder. took a part of my bladder out and now i have to pee after every beer. ok for a bit. and now we're here. more cancer. some in my stomach. and some not too threatening on my liver. it all sounds bad, i know. they assign stages to everything, which are stage 1-4 and with a million sub catagories i dont understand. and i can't even pronounce the area of my stomach where i'm getting chemo. it's all confusing as hell and you need to read like 4 books to get it all.

so i translate this shit into what i can understand and deal with: stage 3, aka almost really bad cancer, which is temporarily "squatting" in my belly, though its still "technically" ovarian cancer. this i don't understand either as my ovaries are long gone and there is now an empty cave where i can hide my weed or glasses i always lose. maybe little gnomes could move in and make hand puppets on the walls of my lady business, with only the sounds of the hum i imagine my radiation & chemo infused lady business (that's left) makes. i imagine it sounds like times square at night, only minus the hookers and the naked cowboy guy. anyway, i got a good shot of being ok, with a slight shot of not. but in my world, there are only extremes.

let me elaborate: find out you have cancer one day. win a readymade contest and get in the magazine the next. get lymph nodes removed one day. get accepted to audition for design star a week later. have a pukey day and gripe about it on facebook. get a writing job offered to you then next day. i can go on and on, there are no middles. no boring day. nothing but extremes. things that make you wanna jump off the bridge and things that make you feel invisible and lead to 500 emails a day. i take all the lows because i have extremely lucky highs. do not confuse this with being bi-polar. we're not talking about my moods or actions, but what just happens to me. i really do have things happen in extremes. so, this is another. may kick the bucket, but nah, it'll be fine and i'll come out of this with something else badass to make it all worth it.

case in point: first round of cancer spawned indie mart. third round birthed workshop. so something rad is around the corner after a restful summer of bad movies, diy all day long and well, poison pumped into my gut through a medical straw. whooee! so i start this all off with asking you all to please keep it light. i'm not going anywhere. i'm not dying. i don't need hallmark cards that make it sound like my obituary is already being planned. i like fun. and i want to be known for the cool shit i do, NOT cancer. no sad faces. take all that and put that sad energy into doing something i would do- get the fuck off facebook and make something cool. plant some succulents. write a funny story. makeout with a hot 25 year old with a beard. life is short, and in the end none of us should be wasting time of feeling bad for life's curveballs, feeling sorry for ourselves for petty shit, wondering if our asses look fat in our jeans, stalking the person you like on facebook to try and figure out if they hang out with cooler or hotter people than you...who cares, it's not what's important. i'm chubby. i'm 37. i have cancer and a hollowed out lady business. i don't get enough dates. i wear a weave not because of cancer but because i have cancer but because i want massive heavy metal vixen hair as opposed to ally mcbeal hair. i am shaped like a weird pear with a weirder belly, and apparently there is cancer in it. i can't drink beer after june and will be slinging canned iced teas in beer koozies so people still think i can party. who cares! when we're old and time has flown by and your boobs are too saggy to get any, your hands have arthritis and you just wanna sit in your chair and watch reruns of friends and seinfeld to remember the good old days...you'll wish you did more cool shit.

so, i start this all and prepare for my summer vacation of cancer, which ain't as bad as it sounds. june 14th through early october, i take a break, beat cancer and eat a lot of weird food like kale and o'douls. there's my background on this all. where i'm at and where i'm going.

thanks for sharing the ride.