end of year. end of cancer. end of this blog. for good reason.

its been a weird year. i am pretty surprised i made it till the end of the year before any epic breakdowns/ exhaustion kicked in. this was most def the most trying, exhausting and hardest working year all year. i have no clue where i get the energy sometimes, i think during surgeries- doctors actually gave me a cyborg energy chip and its all a govt test to see how hard a person can work. it kicks in without me trying.

from having to fight cancer AGAIN. putting out there for the world to know about. which was really hard- I do NOT like to ask for help. ever. i got mad pride. add in workshop having its busiest year.losing organs and let me tell you none of you ever see the slew of side effects and changes that sometimes make me insecure and feel like a robo kelly with weird parts missing and new ones put in. starting corporate events, treasure island music festival and camp diy, setting the goal of becoming a writer and doing it (5th story for the bold italic ran today), setting the goal of focusing on art and doing a show (5 shows in one year and one up at minibar now), planning a book, designing more spaces (gangs of san francisco store & the bold italic to be completed by jan), indie mart being bigger than ever & having great music & adding food, pop up events at workshop, being on NPR and there are about a dozen more things I am missing. all very good and quite a list, im ever surprised i pulled all the shit off. for the bad- toss in a heartbreak and being creatively ripped off/ betrayed a half dozen or so times. its been a hectic nonstop year.

i worked my ass off this year. and next year, i want to slow down more. i always say that but i realized after listening to the interview on npr and thinking about what its like to almost die and have to look death in the face, stare it down and say nah, im not ready- its hard to slow down. its hard not to take every moment, opportunity, gig, relationship and every chance to say stupid things that my embarass me because that chance may not be here tomorrow. i put myself out there to a point that i often regret it or get self concious, but i just need to live my life open, honest and with whatever bizarre, brassy and maybe obnoxious spirit i have. i just want to be genuine and live an awesome life doing what i want and surrounding myself with people, projects and energy that is real, good and loves you back.

this holiday and especially the last few weeks almost broke me. its been so hectic and i dont have quality time with my friends. i dont have time for me. and lets not even talk about my apartment and cats (im pretty sure im sitting on a pizza box right now) i listened to the npr thing. cool to hear bc pbs. npr is it- the tops. smart people. smart things and i def felt like an honor. for the first time in a long time- i stepped outside myself and found myself being really proud and looking onto this weird version of me i dont see much. as well as all the accomplishments in a short time. i also sobbed out of control bc i literally have had such a rough cancer battle that ive bottled up, kept quiet and just kept going every time i wanted to fall apart. i just had too. and its weird to talk about let alone hear on the freaking radio. to be called an inspiration just makes me uncomfortable. i live in my own life and im just a goofy lady who works hard, makes stuff, loves up on everyone and did what i had to. that doesnt make me different or any more interesting than anyone else. ive just had a different experience and put it out there.

i guess being weirdly reflective, i am proud. and its weird to be where i am. really weird. its also weird to look back and realize what ive accomplished. ive been a lil bummed out lately, bc though there are a million people around, it gets lonley. people start treating ya weird and shit, friends start backing off bc im so busy with work and at the end of the day i have accomplishments, sure but do i have more than that? sometimes its hard to see more. its so much work and so little "me" time and you start to feel like a character, like when people compliment you or praise what you do that its someone else they are talking about or this other version of yourself. at the end of the day i go home alone with my ideas and silly sketch books and am a bit of a loner. i like this life most of the time, i choose it and embrace it, not whinning here. but in the end, i guess were all insecure and now that i finally have time off, first time since september really...i want to stop putting so much pressure on myself to keep topping myself. when you have so many people around watching you, its hard not to put pressure on yourself to make them all proud or keep doing good things. its like an endless race with myself. every event has to be better or a new concept. every art show needs to be more improved. every story needs to be funnier and written better. i feel way too lucky to be able to do the things i do to ever take all the opportunities for granted, but i need way more of a life outside of work i guess. especially now that im okay and dont feel like im in a sprint to do as much cool shit as i can. its amazing what having a timeline on your days will make you get done (everything except date, clean your room & laundry that is).

with that, i just cannot thank everyone enough for supporting me this year, whether emotionally, with volunteering, helping me raise money so i could have surgeries i needed to stay alive, with everything. i would not be here without it. i just wouldnt. i especially thank dk, who would always be there at the times i wouldnt let everyone know i was sick, sad or in the tough spots. he was always there to get me out of the dark spots and still is. and end of the year now, when im finally through all this, i think i can be honest and say it was way worse than i ever admitted. the health stuff. the stress. the pace. dealing with having your story out there. always having to have cancer attached to my name over my abilities or have people feel sorry for me. talk shit if they see me having beers. whatever it was, it was in front of more eyes. more judgement. the emotional struggle and having to be ok with not being here anymore possibly and then getting a reprive is unexplicable. i was prepared to go and leave some cool baby empire of DIY in my lil city for everyone to enjoy. but i get to be here longer and though its been a tough battle in every way- well here i am for some more. that doesnt suck:) we're humans and we overthink ourselves to death. im pretty good at not doing it in alot of realms, having confidence and going for whatever the fuck i want. but sometimes you gotta reflect and overthink a bit. expecially when you hear your story 3rd person. im not sure whats next for me, for next year but i am so looking forward to some quality people and time off to figure out next steps, next goals and put this all this health crap behind me, start fresh and kick new ass in new realms. i am fortunate, thankful and appreciative for everything i have and can see that after being in a low place.

2012- i plan your fuck your shit up and do more cool stuff. hopefully more time off. more dates. more good than bad. and i want to start over without cancer, new leaf, not having to talk about it anymore. not having it own my ass anymore. so this will be my last post. happily bc im ok. and bc its time to just put that c-thang on the backburner. so ill be starting a diy and design blog, a creative agency and enjoying more time creating.

big bear hugs and
thankfully yours,
kelly